50 things to do in our 50s
Coronavirus update - September 2020
I thought it was about time I did another update on the Coronavirus situation.
Things are looking quite different since I last updated!
A time to grieve
I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for a couple of
weeks… I just haven’t been able to find the words to describe my feelings, I
still haven’t to be honest. I have been
going through a period of intense sadness, and for want of a better word,
mourning, about our Issy. What makes it
hard is that I am carrying two opposing feelings in my heart at the very same
time: on the one hand, I feel so immeasurably blessed to have this precious
little girl in my life, and to be entrusted by Rox and Jon with schooling her
and caring for her on a regular basis – this brings me SO much joy; on the
other hand, as Issy grows up, the difference between her and her peers is
becoming more and more obvious and it just breaks my heart.
It’s difficult because I feel almost guilty for feeling sad….if I’m feeling sad then surely it means that I am not satisfied with who she is as a person? But I AM, I absolutely adore this little girl exactly as she is, and even BECAUSE of who she is – she is the most unique and adorable little character, she is so funny, and special and she stands so firmly in her own uniqueness, she’s just amazing! But I am also, undeniably, sad.
Yesterday Paula and I took her to the park
and there were a bunch of children her own age there and in situations like
that it is glaringly obvious that she is different. Listening to the other children chatting, hearing
their conversations and watching them play, really brought it home to me that
Issy isn’t on that level, she is not the same as those children. The most heart-breaking thing of all is
watching her watching them… there is almost longing on her little face… it tears
my heart to shreds to see it.
As if my poor confused heart isn’t overwhelmed enough, there is also anger churning around in there. I wrestle with God on a daily basis, I keep asking Him “Why? Why us? Why our Issy?” and the answer I keep on getting is “why not?” And that really doesn’t satisfy me! And yet, deep down inside, I know that asking “why?” is a very pointless exercise – I’ve been there several times before, and I know that there really isn’t an easy answer. I will never know why, but what I do know is that there are lessons to be learnt, there is work to be done, there are hearts to be healed and there is love to share. For now, that has to be where my focus is, but it isn’t easy to keep my focus there when the negative voice inside my head keeps saying “this is just SO unfair, this is SO sad and SO heart-breaking and just SO, SO deeply unfair!”
I’ve learnt from painful experience that, as a family, we
have to allow ourselves and each other the space to grieve. In a situation like this there is grieving to
be done – we grieve for the life we imagined for our girl, the path we thought
we were on, for those dreams we had for our little girl that we now know will
not happen for our Issy. As much as we
acknowledge that our girl has enormous potential and that she is probably going
to surprise us with the things she accomplishes, and the challenges she
overcomes, there are also some things that we just know are not going to be in
her future. And no matter how much we
love and adore who she is, there is sadness in that.
So, in this season, I grieve, but at the same time I look at
this precious girl and my heart overflows with love.
Coronavirus update
That's all folks.....
Lockdown Day 70
Lockdown Day 69
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Can't believe how the cygnets have grown! |