Thursday, April 30, 2015

April Love: Thank you...

I have to admit that I am a glass-half-empty kind of gal.  I can never be relied on to "always look on the bright side of life" (ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom pee-doom.... sorry....) , but instead can always be relied on to expect the worst, to bemoan my fate and generally to be a pessimistic PITA (Pain In The Ass).... It can get very tiresome!  So yes, it is time to make a change.  Time to unGrinchify myself. 

Where do I start?  Well, I've been thinking that perhaps the first step in this process is to be thankful for my many, many blessings.  So, I am trying each day to take a moment to be grateful.  I've been looking at this site and I think the advice is pretty good.

I'm hoping that in time I will develop a sense that my half-full glass is enough, that it's all I need, that it satisfies me and that I am blessed to have it.

And this post brings me to the end of my April Love journey.  Thank you to my fellow "April Loves" who have stopped by my blog and who have shared this journey with me.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

April Love: My eyes

My eyes.  Hmmm.  There is this thing about my eyes.  You see, when God was handing out eye lashes, I think I must have been playing tiddly-winks around the corner; because truly, I got the most pathetic eye lashes ever - the runt of the eyelashes-litter, the rejects, the left-over eye lashes that nobody else wanted. 

My eye lashes are sparse, very sparse, they are short and, while not exactly pale, they are neutral-coloured, to be honest my eye lashes are almost non-existent.  Pathetic.  I rely HEAVILY on mascara (bless the inventors of mascara, I am forever in their debt!)  If I don't wear eye make-up I find my family asking me if I am feeling unwell.  I look like a plucked chicken.  I would never go in public without mascara ever.  No sirreeee.  Never going to happen. 

I think I inherited my pathetic eye lashes from my mother.  She also never went without make-up.  One day, shortly before she died, she had to be rushed to hospital, she was very, very ill indeed.  The paramedics were wheeling her to the ambulance and I was walking alongside the stretcher, feeling quite traumatised, wondering whether she was about to die (she had been found unconscious that morning, it was horrible.)  Suddenly, she pulled the oxygen mask off and demanded to know whether I had packed her mascara?  I said I wasn't sure and she insisted that the paramedics wait while I scratched through her overnight bag to see whether the mascara was there!!  Yes, she was a feisty woman alright, what she lacked in eye lashes she made up for in personality!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

April Love: Clouds

Roxy took this photo a few days ago and I just love it.  Another reason why I love Autumn - the beautiful sunsets!

Monday, April 27, 2015

April Love: Love is

Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

April Love: Something beginning with A

I've been wading through a lot of emotional stuff of late.  It's frightening to me how our view of ourselves, our lives, our family and life in general really, can become so mixed up and messed up that eventually we don't know which way is up.   Being a co-dependent can amplify this hugely.  When your emotions are so reliant on the emotions of another person/people, you can very easily lose sight of what you are actually feeling.  You can stop being the real you and live through everyone around you.  I can see that for many, many years I was so tied up with what other family members were feeling, whether they were okay/happy/on an even-keel, that I didn't even stop to assess my own emotional health...It's frightening to me. 

I can remember sitting in therapy one day, and my therapist asked me to describe a particular situation to her - I was saying "and then "insert name" was feeling upset because she didn't want to do this particular activity and "insert another name" was getting frustrated and angry because she did want to do it and I didn't know what to do to make them both happy again."  The therapist stared at me for a while and then said "and what did YOU want to do at that time?  Did you want to do the activity?  What were your feelings on the matter?"  I was blank, completely blank, eventually I had to say "I have no idea what I was feeling.  No idea."  It was like a jug of ice-cold water being poured over my head.  Light-bulb moment of note.  There are SO many situations I can recall where I know exactly what each family member was feeling, but I have no clue, absolutely no clue, what I was feeling in that situation. 

For a couple of years now I have been trying to change that.  I have been trying to focus on my feelings, my wants and needs, my emotional well-being.  It's been so much more difficult than I thought it would be.  I assumed that by nature we are all pretty selfish, so self-care should come naturally.  In some ways it does (see yesterday's post!), but in other ways it has been an uphill struggle.  Putting my own agenda forward, rather than jumping through hoops to make everyone else's agendas work has not been easy at all.  In some ways, now that I am aware that my needs and feelings deserve to be taken into account, I find myself protecting that right rather more vociferously than I should, so there has been some tension around here!  But it's worth the battle.  I need to live an authentic life.  I need to be true to my inner self.  I need to live as the real me, with all my thoughts, needs, desires, failings and foibles. 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

April Love: Simple Pleasures

Some would disagree, but personally I don't think it takes a lot to make me happy.  I like the simple things in life.  Give me a dog, a bed, some reading material, a bar of chocolate, some fizzy water and I'm a happy woman! (Okay, I admit, I am a tad fussy about the chocolate (must be Lindt), the water (must be San Pellegrino), the reading material (I have my list of authors on hand) and there are only two particular dogs allowed on my bed... but other than that I am really easy-going!  Honest.)

Thursday, April 23, 2015

April Love: When I was small

When I was 9 years old my mother married my step-dad and we moved into the home that he had grown up in.  It was an older house, with many relics of his growing up years, all kinds of treasures, that I spent many hours poring over.  Fascinating tin boxes with old pencils and such-like in them.  Stacks of his sister's "Annuals" - remember the teen magazines that brought out hardcover "Annuals"??  One of the things that made a huge impression on me was an old record player.  My Dad gave it to me and with it an LP record.  It was my first ever LP record and I LOVED it.  It was this one:

I think I still know the words to every single track on that LP.  I played it over and over and over again, for YEARS.  To this day, that LP is one of my all-time favourites and the Bee-Gees hold a very special place in my heart.

I thought this one was particularly appropriate today.... When I was small.....