Monday, May 18, 2009

Bring in the Men in White Coats!

I could not sleep last night and as you know, I am a creature who needs her sleep or else I become seriously nasty! There I was, tossing and turning until the wee hours, getting more and more panic stricken as the numbers flashed by on my bedside clock.


I am embarrassed to admit it, but part of the reason for this bout of insomnia is our overseas trip which happens in less than 40 days. You see I am hard at work developing a fear of flying. It's crazy, it's ridiculous, I do NOT have a fear of flying. I have done quite a lot of flying in my life time - being the child of divorced parents does that to you. I have flown to the UK as recently as 2001 - exactly 9 days after the Twin Tower debacle in fact! I was very brave that time. If you don't believe me just ask Rox, she was the one holding me down when the Osama Bin Laden look-alike sat down directly across the aisle from me.


Back to the point: I have never had a problem with flying. In fact I get a kick out of the adrenalin rush at take off. Well I used to. The thing is I seem to have developed a strong aversion to adrenalin rushes in my middle age. And now I am developing a fear of the Fear of Flying. My mind is filled with "what ifs". What if I am overcome with terror as I get on the plane and have a panic attack and make a complete ar$e out of myself (like I did at the gynae that time)? What if I suddenly develop a bizarre and irrational urge to flee the aircraft? It's ridiculous! Why am I doing this to myself? In some misguided way my mind seems intent on creating a problem where there isn't one.... And it seems to want to do it the minute I lay down and shut my eyes at night.


So this is what I was up to when I should have been sleeping last night. And then I hit on a brilliant idea. I would meditate. Meditation would serve a two-fold purpose: (1) It would put me to sleep and (2) If I practice meditation enough, I would be able to use it when I get on the plane to keep me from ripping my clothes from my frenzied body and screaming my head off during take off. Brilliant! Inspired idea.


Now bear in mind that I have had no real practical lessons in how to meditate, but I have read about it quite extensively in womens magazines and such.


So lets do this thing! I decided to employ the technique of (a) focusing on slow and steady breaths and (b) clenching and then relaxing my muscles, starting at my feet and working my way up. (Hopefully I would be asleep before I had to clench my brain, as I have yet to figure out how to do that...)


So there I lay and this is how it went:
Get comfortable lying on my back...there..that feels good... ooops I have a wedgie, that won't do, okay, with a ping of elastic wedgie is gone...alright, settle now.... breathe: in...... out..... this feels good, quite relaxed now....pyjama pants feel a bit twisted, but I'm sure that will be fine..... okay, clench toes -and- relax....I'm definitely getting the hang of this.... breathe....clench calves.....Okay, a dog has just jumped on the bed, but that's fine, I will ignore her and she will lie down...where was I? oh yes, clench calves....relax...clench thighs...how do you clench your thighs without clenching your butt muscles? try again...no, my butt muscles will insist on clenching...maybe I should do some pelvic floor exercises while I'm at it...I wonder how necessary it is for a woman who never gave birth naturally to do pelvic floor exercises? I think I must Google that tomorrow to find out....where was I? Oh yes, I am just going to move directly on to clenching my tummy muscles, I seem to have taken care of the whole pelvic region....
Boy I'm getting good at this...any minute now I'll be ready to go to an ashram! I wonder if I want to go to an ashram in India?....now that my brother-in-law is living in India it would be a good time to go to an ashram, we could kill two birds with one stone - visit Geoff and head off to an ashram for a spiritual experience.... Would I like it at an ashram I wonder? Would they make me do yoga there too - I suppose so...remember that time I tried yoga and put my neck out.... I suppose there would be some very learned and mystic yogi at an ashram... Remember that funny but disgusting song I heard the other day - "Yogi, yogi bear, he's a yogi bear" ...Siss, it was very rude...but quite funny....Now I have that silly song going round and round in my mind...What did that book say? Allow the thought to drift through your mind, but don't let it settle...that's what I'll do, the silly song will drift through my mind, but it won't settle....."Suzie she likes whips and chains - kinky, kinky"...silly, silly song... gross really "Sis Gill, en die op 'n Sondag" (And before you ask, yes, I do find it disturbing that I talk to myself. In Afrikaans. In the third person.)- I must say, I liked Allie's post about Sexpo... clever idea her church had....Imagine our church putting up a stand at Sexpo!! Snorts, Hee, hee, never going to happen (We're Anglican, average age of congregation 75) Good grief...wasn't I supposed to be meditating???

9 comments:

Simply-Mel said...

This is HYSTERICAL!! Oh my, I can so relate...my mind fails to switch off easily ever. I guess that is why they say it take years of practise to meditate...

Oh man, am still laughing. Thanks for that!

Tamara said...

Hehehe... And I thought I was the only one (who can't meditate and talks to herself in Afrikaans in the third person)! Great post, Gill.

allie said...

Laughed like a drain!
Am still laughing
Think I will be laughing for 5 years over this post.

Can I cut and paste bits of it to send to my friends?

And keep for ever in my "Funny things" folder?

Please, Gill, please, pleeeeeze . . . .

Gill said...

With pleasure Allie!! My daughter has just read the post and asked me with a rather horrified expression if I did really, truly think all those things last night... Uh yes, actually I did....

Moira said...

Gill you are so so funny! When is that book of yours being published ~ you will make big bucks I am sure. Bear is mind sleepless ights can also be COL (shhh, change of life)
Trust me I know!!

Moira said...

'scuse the above typos!
M

allie said...

Thanks - have already saved it in case you said ok.
It is about to take off in various directions in cyber-space

WISH I could be there when my friends read it!

Andrea said...

Hi Gill, my first visit to you blog and I will DEFINITELY be back - you are LOVELY!

xxx
A

Jeanne said...

LOL!! That sounds a lot like my attempts at meditation :)

As for fear of flying, the scariest thing I ever did was befriend a pilot - now I know a whole lot more about what can go wrong!! I must say, I also like flying less and less the older I get.

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