I miss you Mom

It's been three years since my mom died.  It feels so long ago.  I've travelled quite a road since then!

After she died I wondered if I would ever be able to remember her fondly again.  At the time all I felt was..... nothing.  I think the months, even years, before her death had sucked every identifiable feeling right out of me.  I felt completely devoid of any emotion, except perhaps relief.  Your mother dies and you feel relief, how horribly sad is that? 

It scares me now, when I look back and realise what an emotional train-wreck I was at the time.  I don't think I even realised how low I had sunk.  In hind-sight, that's probably the reason my blog died at around about that time.  I had too much stuff to work through and it was too personal and too scary to expose to the world at large.

For so long if I ever thought about my mom at all, the picture I'd have of her in my mind would be that stick-like figure that caused me so much grief; I just couldn't see past that.  But it's true what they say, time heals all wounds and, although it's been a painfully slow process, I am at the point now where every now and again a random happy memory will cause me to stop and smile. 

I had just such a thought the other day that made me chuckle to myself and I'd like to share it with you today, because today, on the anniversary of her death, this is the mom I'd like to remember: the funny, nutty, quirky, irreverent mom, who made me laugh.

Having lived next door to each other for a number of years, my parents had just moved to the coast, about 3 hours drive away from us.  My mom was a very social person (I certainly didn't inherit that particular gene!) and for the first time in living memory I think she was lonely and, although she would never admit it, I think she was missing me!

A few years before this, Roxy was in a ballet production of Peter Pan and she danced in a scene to this song.  You're going to need to listen to the lyrics, or you're not going to understand what follows.

On the day in question, my phone rang and when I answered, these are the words my mom sang to me, to the tune of "When You're Alone":

When you're all alone...
Even in your home....
It is shit....
just to sit....
All on your own.....

It still cracks me up!

That was her unique and unexpected way of letting me know she missed me!  And I truly never thought I'd see the day I'd say this, but I miss her too.

A week to go....

Less than a week from today my Roxy-girl will be a married woman. How crazy is that thought?!

I have such mixed feelings.....

On the one hand I am so happy that she is happy, I'm so glad she has found a really decent guy, who clearly loves her to pieces, I am so excited for her and so proud of the lovely young woman she has become;

On the other hand I can't help but feel that I am losing my baby girl. I know, I know....she isn't a baby anymore.  But, as crazy as it may seem, in my mind I can still picture her so clearly as a shy, vulnerable little girl, that in some weird way, to me she will always be that little girl, all dressed in pink, dancing in the ballet concert to this song:

I wish I had realised then how quickly she would grow up, how very short a time she would be living at home, maybe then I would have cherished each moment a little more, hugged her more often, read her more stories, spent more time just being with her and loving her.

But time marches on, and she isn't that little girl anymore and much as I want to cling to her, it's time to let go......

And I'm ready to let go, well most of the time anyway! I'm ready to watch Rox develop into the wonderful woman and wife that I know she'll be. 

So instead of dwelling on the letting go part, I'm choosing to focus on the excitement, the pride, the fun, the positive energy...and when it all gets a bit much, I'll come and sit quietly by myself and play that song and think about the little girl who's grown up into the amazingly beautiful bride that will walk down the aisle, past her mommy who loves her so much xx

Our bride-to-be had a Kitchen Tea

Who knew that the final few weeks before a wedding could fly by in the blink of an eye?!  Seems like yesterday that the wedding was months away and now it is literally around the corner.

On Saturday Roxy's fantabulous bridesmaids arranged a kitchen tea for her.  These girls have been amazing!  All I had to do was pay the bill and pitch up.  Bliss :-)

The tea was hosted at a local restaurant with a burlesque theme. It was really beautiful. 

A fun time was had by all!