Thursday, February 02, 2012

Surrender......easier said than done!

The theme for the month of February in the online course I'm doing  is "Surrender your Heart".  The course itself is not too deep or anything, but it's got me doing some thinking and rather a lot of painful soul-searching.  I'm also reading Sue Monk Kidd's "When the Heart Waits" (recommended by Mel of Simply Mel ) and that's got me thinking, big time!

I think if I had to highlight the one flaw that really hinders me in nearly every sphere of my life, it would be the issues I have with control.  I am really, really uncomfortable in any situation where I feel I don't have the necessary degree (and for me that's a lot!) of control.  Which is all well and good in my work situation - it's possibly even a positive there - but in nearly every other situation its a huge negative. 

So frankly, surrender is a big no-no for me!  You can't really be in control and surrender at the same time can you?!  I realise that there are some areas of my life in which surrender is completely necessary - marriage, Christianity, mother-hood, to name a few.  And no surprises - it's the surrender aspects of these relationships that I battle with. 

I will come right out and say that I don't think I have ever totally surrendered my heart in any relationship ever.  In a way I think it boils down, not only to a control issue, but to a matter of trust.  When you surrender your heart you have to trust that the other person is going to take really good care of it - and I don't fully, completely, 100%, trust anyone.  I have major, major abandonment issues (no doubt a legacy of my father turning his back on me and never coming back) and unfortunately, with those issues comes a large dollop of dis-trust. 

So, it appears that my control, trust and surrender issues are all bound up in each other and that it's an area I need to do a huge amount of work on.  Seems like I have my work cut out for me! 

People!  This post was DEEP!


Jenny in Durbs said...

Incredible post, I am a self confessed control freak - I am not sure why & am not sure I want to think about it but maybe should. It has caused me a LOT of grief in my life so really should dig. Enjoy your course it sounds fabulous.

Lynette said...

I too, struggle with surrendering my heart to people. I don't easily let them in. I don't easily show my feelings because it can be hurt by those who don't understand me. The only person I can trust with my heart is God and my husband. I loved reading your post and I loved reading your post about racism in South Africa.


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