Saturday, July 30, 2011

Ooh la la... it's fun in my house!

So both my daughters left yesterday to visit their darlings for the weekend.  Ooh la la!  Grant and I are home alone!  The plan was .... a little dinner a deux, a little romance, a little relaxation....

Let me tell you how it went down:

We arrived at our chosen restaurant, only to be told that the only table they had for us was right in the passage, next to the ticket office for the movies...... uh, not what we had in mind...  So we headed off to our second choice of restaurant.  Much better, nice table, nice waiter, good food and sangria.....  Dinner was lovely, conversation was good.... well until Grant ran into a cycling buddy, but hey, it's Grant we're talking about, so I was happy to let that one go...  Finally we headed home.

At which point Grant let Paula's reprobate dog Lilo inside, who proceeded to trail about a kilogram of mud right through the centre of my house and onto my new, white rug.  I was a leeetle bit irate, to put it mildly.  I then decided to have a small fight with Grant, because he clearly doesn't like Lilo and this irks me (the logic of this escapes me right now, but it seemed very valid and very important last night) so I went to bed in something of a huff.

My Jackie dog was in her normal spot, outside the duvet, on top of my feet.  Jackie then got cold and climbed inside the duvet and burrowed down to my feet.  Jackie then got hot and burrowed out of the duvet and onto my pillow, next to my face.  Jackie felt the need to pant.  Jackie felt cold and burrowed down the duvet to my feet.  Jackie then got hot and burrowed out of the duvet and onto my pillow, next to my face. Jackie felt the need to pant. Jackie felt cold and burrowed down the duvet to my feet.  Jackie then got hot and burrowed out of the duvet and onto my pillow, next to my face. Jackie felt the need to pant. Jackie felt cold and burrowed down the duvet to my feet. Jackie then got hot and burrowed out of the duvet and onto my pillow, next to my face. Jackie felt the need to pant. Jackie felt cold and burrowed down the duvet to my feet..... OMG, you have GOT to be kidding me.......

Enter Roxy's reprobate cat Pepsi.  And a small bird.  Pepsi takes said small bird into my en suite bathroom and proceeds to pluck every single feather from its dear, sweet little body and strew them ALL OVER my bathroom.  Jackie finds this fascinating and momentarily stops burrowing IN and OUT of my duvet to walk into the bathroom to watch the dismemberment of the innocent, sweet little bird.  Pepsi objects to Jackie's presence and hisses and spits which draws the attention of Roxy's OTHER reprobate cat Zip who comes to see what the HELL is going on.

Jackie returns to the bed and although she quite ably jumped onto the bed TWICE before my very eyes earlier in the evening, is now completely unable to jump and scratches my arm until I get out of bed onto the COLD floor and lift her up onto the bed.  She then resumes  burrowing IN and OUT of my duvet....

Pepsi decideds to sleep with ME tonight.  Pepsi settles on top of the duvet, between my legs, effectively pinning me down.  Everytime Jackie burrows IN and OUT of my duvet, she disturbs Pepsi who finds it oddly comforting and begins PURRING loudly....

I finally fall into a comatose-like sleep....

Wake-up time.  Instead of lying in bed with a cup of coffee and my book as planned, I begin my morning by sweeping a million teeny-tiny little feathers into a large and unwieldy whirl-wind all over my bathroom.  It takes a LOT of time to catch all the effing, irritating dear, sweet little feathers.

I then head to the garage to fetch the mop to begin mopping Lilo's muddy foot-prints.  I step into a dog poop that Jackie has left in the garage.  I curse.  I bellow for Grant to bring me some paper towel while hopping about on one foot, trying to dodge the OTHER dog poop that Jackie left for me.  I find I am not very co-ordinated first thing in the morning.

As Grant, bearing paper towel, walks past Zip, who is on the dishwasher begging for breakfast, Zip vomits.

My happiness is complete.

Friday, July 29, 2011

While on the subject of insults...

Following on from my previous post....

Having spent much time last night pondering my Elderly Family Member and what gives her the right to throw insults around, I realised that in reality it's not only Elderly Famly Member that flings insults around, it's my family members in general!  The more I thought about it the more I realised that to survive in this family you have to have a skin as thick as an ancient rhinoceros!

I mean, remember this post!  You gotta love my daughters!

And it gets worse - I've never told you about this conversation I once had with Paula (she was 6 years old at the time)  I was watching her swim in a gala at school and a little girl came up to me, clutched onto my leg and said "Mrs Roberts..." and then, looking up, realised that I was not in fact Mrs Roberts and scurried off in a hurry.  (Mrs Roberts was Paula's Grade 1 teacher and the kids loved her to pieces.)  Anyway, later on I was telling Paula about what had happened, and mentioned that this was the second time that a child had mistaken me for Mrs Roberts.  Paula asked why on earth someone would think I was Mrs Roberts?  I replied that I supposed there was a vague similarity, especially if you approached us from behind - same height, same hair style and colour, same build...  Paula's response?  "Yes, but Mrs Roberts is MUCH prettier than you!"

So I was thinking about all these things last night and just then Rox, who is locuming at the local junior school, showed me a letter she got from one of the kids in her class:  It's a hand-drawn picture of a lady (I'm guessing it's Rox) and a little girl (no doubt the mite in question) and it says "Dear Miss R, I wish you were my mommy."

So it's not only my kids then!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Helllloooo Fat Face

I can't wait to be over 70... you know that age, when you don't give a #%*  what you say to anyone....

I've just had the following conversation with an elderly relative: 

Aged one:  I'm glad to see you've lost some weight since you got back from holiday!

Me: Um, actually I've gained .5kgs since I got back, in fact I lost 2.5kgs on holiday

Aged one: Funny, because your face looked really fat when you got back (complete with hand motions to indicate vast fatness of face)

Me: Ohhhh (what does one say to a compliment like that!) well I have definitely gained weight since I got back. 

Aged one: maybe it's because you've had your hair cut that you look thinner. 


Fortunately, I can see the funny side of a situation like this..... I've had years of experience....